Here at MB Web Design we take a certain pride in our ability to deliver websites that achieve the highest standards in form and function. Unfortunately, that's not what happened here. In this instance the client (Sir Julian, as he insisted on being referred to in all correspondence) was presented with an extensive range of options for his web presence, all of which he rejected as variously "too snazzy", "not snazzy enough" and "I can't get this to work." After months of powerpoint presentations, design meetings, a "break-out weekend" in Svalbard for which several members of the accounts team are still undergoing therapy, and the construction of a Trello board that we are currently submitting to the Guinness Book Of Records, we have taken the client's final instruction of "I don't ******* care, it's just a bunch of ******* links, stop calling me" at face value.

This, therefore, is the new Official Julian Simpson Website:

[READ THE INFODUMP BLOG]

This is where Sir Julian posts thoughts, ideas and inspiration. It’s basically a scrapbook of crap (a crapbook?). There’s a decent chance you could lose a lot of time here and you'll never get it back. [LINK]

[SUBSCRIBE TO THE INFODUMP NEWSLETTER]

Perhaps you already clicked on the above link and thought “Is there a way I could have this useless information delivered to me directly, in an irregular but somehow nonetheless inconvenient fashion?" Well, we're afraid there is. [LINK]

[LOOK AT SOME PHOTOGRAPHS]

Lord Simpson takes pictures to varying degrees of success and sometimes, usually when he's on an important work deadline, he spends an inordinate amount of time putting them online. If you want to see what procrastination really looks like, this is it. [LINK]

Concerned that one or two of the above photographs might have been verging on the almost-passable? Fear not, we can bring you back down to Earth with a rigorously unaesthetic bump at Grand Inquisitor Simpson's Instagram feed. Instruct your thumbs to search for @juliansimpson, where our hero is busy proving that all that stuff they said about smartphone cameras being capable of professional quality is utter bunk.

LISTEN TO A PODCAST

Colonel Simpson's lawyers are currently charging an eye-watering hourly rate to disentangle the broadcast rights to his "unfairly" overlooked early audio work. Should they succeed before Simpson Holdings files for Chapter 11, there might be a Soundcloud page. In the meantime, [THE CASE OF CHARLES DEXTER WARD] and its sequel [THE WHISPERER IN DARKNESS] are two BBC podcast series that were clearly written and directed in a bit of a rush but have nevertheless been well-received, probably because some other very clever and talented people swooped in and saved the day. We know how they feel.

WHO HE?

No idea who Cardinal Simpson is? We envy you. Some out of date information on Doctor Simpson's previous shenanigans is available at [IMDb].

REPRESENTATION

If you would like someone to lie to your face about General Simpson's abilities, you could contact Jeff Barry at ICM Partners in the US or Sean Gascoine at United Agents in the UK. Both are real people doing an extremely tough job and neither deserve to be saddled with this clown for a client.

If anyone out there wants to know what a proper website looks like, please contact [MB WEB DESIGN].